Rob and Kristen-- Guest Blogger

The opinions expressed in the following post

do not necessarily reflect the opinions of

Robert Pattinson Intoxication.

But then again...

Maybe they do.

Any pictures and/or smilies used in this post

were added by me.

Here we go..

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ATTENTION ROBERT PATTINSON/KRISTEN STEWART FANDOM

THIS IS AN OFFICIAL ANNOUNCEMENT FOR CITIZENS OF THE WORLD! THIS IS
THE EMERGENCY FOR WHICH WE HAVE BEEN PREPARING!

PLEASE PROCEED UNDER THE CLOSEST DESK OR HEAVY TABLE, GRAB YOUR ANKLES,
AND READ THIS ANNOUNCEMENT IN A PANICKY VOICE!

At this point in time, we can confirm that (GRAB YOUR ANKLES HARDER) Robert Pattinson WAS IN FACT
at a bar with friends AND there were other women present!

(I will pause here and allow you all to scream and panic and write ridiculous emails and tweets about how
this MUST be the end of Rob and Kris' relationship and how he probably was, in fact, fucking some used up hag actress on the bar in front of everyone.)

(Also cue the Kristen supporters who are so fucking delusional that they believe they have to bash Robert if he and Kris are not together, 24 hours a day, 366 days per year)

(Oh and also, RED ALERT to the Rob haters who believe he is an alcoholic and a manwhore)

Now that all groups who like to jump to conclusions and over react have been notified, please let the insanity begin!!!

Ok for anyone with a fucking brain let's think about some things here....

This is Robert Pattinson.  We know some things about him. He's a good guy, a good friend, he's loyal, he likes to play music (acoustic guitar mostly) and he loves one person at a time. (BUT HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT LAST BIT? HE WAS AT A BAR WITH LINDSAY LOHAN!!!!)

Well, again, USE YOUR FUCKING BRAIN PEOPLE. Robert has never been linked to more than one woman at a time.  He had some old girlfriends--notice the use of the term girlfriends MEANING, because I obviously have to spell it out, the guy is a serial monogamist. He dates one person at a time and usually for a good deal of time.

(BUT SOME NONSTENS AND TWEETERS SAY ROB HOOKS UP WITH LOTS OF GIRLS)
Name one.

I'm waiting

Still waiting.

Do you have ANY idea what an "I slept with Robert Pattinson" story would be worth to the tabloids?  Even in American money (haha) it would be  certainly enough to entice even the most moral of slutty women to talk and share. Yet, we are some 5 years into this nonsense and not one of these alleged conquests has come forward.   Know why?  BECAUSE THERE AREN'T ANY!!  THE FUCKING MORONS WHO MAKE THESE CLAIMS HAVE NEVER DONE ANYTHING BUT TALK. NOT ONE PICTURE NOT ONE WITNESS NOT ONE ANYTHING OTHER THAN JEALOUS BITTER HARPIES WHO HAVE NOTHING BETTER TO DO THAN TALK SHIT ABOUT A DECENT GOOD PERSON.

Moving on.

This is Kristen Stewart.  Lovely, beautiful and yes, talented.  Oh and I know there are some "paralegals" in New Jersey who don't agree she is talented but when EVERY SINGLE PERSON she has worked with her does nothing but sing her praises, well I am going with the directors and producers and other actors and I'll let the paralegal go fuck herself. (By the way, did you ever see a picture of that bitch, because she is seriously one of the ugliest women I've ever seen. Someone shared a picture of her in a bathing suit and I had to wretch afterwards)

Now this is Lindsey Lohan.

Hmmmmm, aside from the obvious why the hell would Robert possibly give up or risk a solid, healthy relationship with Kristen to entangle himself with this mess of a life.....

(BUT WAIT, WE HAVE PICTURES OF THEM SIPPING CHAMPAGNE
 TOGETHER ACCORDING TO TMZ)
Pssst, no you don't. You have a picture of Rob leaving (and looking angry because more than likely a certain recently incarcerated washed-up actress called the paps when she realized Rob was there and she could get herself some attention by selling him out) and then a picture of said washed-up fame whore leaving later that night.

(BUT WHAT ABOUT THE PICTURES OF THEM FUCKING ON THE BAR???)  I was kidding you idiot--there obviously are no pictures of them within even 20 feet of each other. WHY? Because they don't know one another.  Cameras DO IN FACT work indoors and trust that if they were chatting, standing near each other, or even in the same room, there would be pictures. Instead we've got the earth shattering news that GASP ROBERT WAS AT A BAR WITH FRIENDS and LINDSEY LOHAN WAS AT A BAR WITH FRIENDS.
 The rest is nothing but bullshit folks.

Oh and by the way, Ms. Lohan tried this before without success.
She REALLY needs a hobby.

(BUT MAYBE HE AND LINDSAY WERE THERE TOGETHER!!)   I'll let you in on a little secret....Rob is kind of a pussy about police and crime.  I could tell you stories about when he was younger and he would dive out of windows if he thought the police might be bursting in to catch him drinking when he was not yet legal--good times good times--but there is NO FUCKING WAY Robert is going to volunteer to be near someone who is the tornado of trouble that is Ms. Lohan.  Not happening...no how...no way.

So on behalf of your governments I implore you to stop being over-reactionary and use your brains.  Rob is a bright boy and he loves Kristen. He's not about to mess that up and besides, she would certainly kick his ass if he did--hahaha.  

This is nonsense and you all should know better than to react to it.

One more thing, just in case any of you heard about a certain art show going on I wanted to just express that the no name hacks who are participating are simply leaches who have no hope of ever making anything of their lives without trying to exploit and mock a young girl who has never hurt anyone or done anything wrong. For those that argue that the "curator" is a fan and intends it as a tribute, trust that she is the king of the leaches and attaching her hole in the wall, rat-infested store to this project was the only way she could hope to generate even 1 person wandering in for any reason besides to use her urine caked loo.  She and all participating are the worst sort and I hope they all rot in the hottest part of hell.

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TWIMC

Thank You Guest Blogger.

Until next time...

Bye for now

You're the cutest thing that I ever did see

I really love your peaches

Want to shake your tree