Ten Theories That Tell Twilights Troubles

OK. I've gone on ad nauseum about the joy that is "Twilight". Fuck. I've watched the bitch a zillion times.

I almost consider myself an expert on the topic.

I guess it's time to finally talk about what I didn't like.

(And don't hold me to 10...I just wanted to stay with the "T" thing...)

1. The BIGGEST flaw, in my opinion is the lack of intimacy between Edward and Bella. I mean...the movie was even more chaste than the fucking book...and that ain't no easy feat, my friend. How many times did you read about Edward putting his arm around her waist? Dragging his nose along her jawline? Holding Bella in his 'cold' arms...against his marble chest? Shit. None of that was in the movie. When you read the book, there is absolutely no doubt that they are irrevocably and unconditionally in love with each other. The movie? Not so much. I wanted them to fucking HUG. Is that so much to ask?

2. Which brings us to the Meadow/Reveal scene. *sigh*. They took out some of the best dialog. The words that broke your heart. The words that made you fucking fall in love with Edward.

"Bella, I couldn’t live with myself if I ever hurt you. You don’t know how it’s tortured me. The thought of you, still, white, cold… to never see you blush scarlet again, to never see that flash of intuition in your eyes when you see through my pretenses… it would be unendurable. You are the most important thing to me now. The most important thing to me ever."

Edward Cullen, Twilight, Chapter 13, p.274

"He came to rest with the side of his face pressed tenderly against my chest. Listening to my heart."

Bella Swan, Twilight, Chapter 13, p.276

And what was with the laying next to each other in the meadow? They couldn't fucking TOUCH?

Hold hands? He couldn't hold her? Doesn't Bella move her fingers over Edwards hands? Any intimacy whatsoever would have been welcome. And Rob looked silly splayed next to Kristen. It was kinda weird...and not anywhere close to how I imagined it would be played out.

3. Let's go back to the first time Bella comes into contact with Edward in Biology. She walks by a fan...the papers blow around on the desk in front of Edward....and he fucking HOLDS HIS NOSE? WTF? Sorry...that was lame. Edward doesn't have to fucking breathe...he surely doesn't need to hold his nose.

4. Why can we see Edward's breath in the forest? Surely he doesn't have hot air coming out of him? I felt that the movie was poorly edited. A lot of mistakes.

5. OK. I didn't mind the tree climbing so much...or the running...so much. I did cringe at the close-ups of Rob running, or jumping from tree to tree. Incredibly corny...and fake looking. And completely unnecessary. I get that the treetop scene was symbolic and all that...but getting there was pretty cheesy.

6. I almost forgot. Edward steps into the sunlight. He sparkles. OK. But then we hear this tingling windchimey noise. What. The. Fuck. More cheese. Sparkly, Silly Cheese.

7. Let's go to Port Angeles. For the most part, I love this scene. But a couple of complaints (since I'm being bitchy). Never mind that it's not an Italian restaurant anymore...I can live with quirky bistro...or whatever the fuck it was...but the waitress? What the fuck was up with her hair? And she surely didn't pay enough attention to Edward...and speaking of that...would it have killed them to have the following lines: "Do I dazzle you?" "Frequently" Not asking for much. Just a few words...

8. Ballet fight scene. Hmmm. A bit anti-climatic for me. Let's see...James steps on Bella's leg...fucking breaking it. She screams. Edward shows up...Bella magically stops screaming. Wouldn't that fucking hurt? She covers her mouth with her blood covered hand...but has forgotten that her leg was just crushed by a vicious vampire. And then Edward picks her up (says "I'm sorry" which is swoon worthy) and James pulls them down...Bella goes flying into the ground...onto some broken glass. Her leg? Hello? It's BROKEN. She doesn't scream in agony...she manages to pull a huge shard of glass out of her leg...but still remains relatively calm.

Broken leg. Severed artery. Just a little squirming until James bites her.

And let's discuss the actual fight between Edward and James. Not much of one, in my opinion.

A few tosses. A couple of smashes, some growling....and then we see Edward taking a chunk out of James...and its pretty much over. Wow. And this is the 'lethal' vampire that was so feared? And tell me...was that fucking BLOOD dribbling down from his mouth? Do vampires bleed??

9. Hospital scene at the end of the movie. Bella is opening her eyes...but what the fuck is laying across her eyes? Fucking tubes. Shit. Then they cut away...they are lower on her face. Cut back...they are in her fucking eyes. Great editing. And while I love Kristen Stewart...and I thought she did a fine job with Bella..I don't know why she just couldn't finish ONE sentence. I have no qualms about her acting ability. Just fucking say what you want to say. "you can't leave me"..."what are you talking about"....I understand the angst. I understand the pain...but it was a bit frustrating that she couldn't seem to finish a thought.

10. I made it to 10. This is a glaring Twilight trouble. Victoria at the fucking prom. Again. WTF? I get they were trying to push the story forward to the sequel. I get it. But Edward would have smelled her in a fucking minute. She was in the same damn room. WTF? I didn't like how they just ignored the basic vampire stuff that SM had in her book. And how in the hell did she get into the prom anyway? She surely couldn't be a student....Couldn't she have just watched from a distance?? Huge flaw.

Well, there ya go. Now, don't get me wrong. I fucking love "Twilight". Anyone who fucking watches it at least 3x a week...has to love it...right? Please say I love it and that I'm not a fucking obsessed lunatic. Please.

I just wanted to get my 'Twilight Troubles' off my chest. Thank You.

Bye for now♥